Oscar Highs and Lows

Well, I am a wee bit late with my Oscars review. I could blame a chest xray, a chipped tooth, or a plethora of medical abnormalities (all of which are true); however, I'll cough (cough ... get it?) this one up to pure laziness and procrastination. Although I haven't read many reviews of the telecast itself, I imagine these thoughts are not purely original, however they are my thoughts, so take them for what they are.

Oscar Lows:

10. The opening monologue. I love Steve Martin. I love Alec Baldwin. I loathe "Steve Baldwin", or any other co-host for an awards show. With the exception of one joke and one bit (which I will reference later), the duo bombed, particularly the unfunny, LONG monologue. I'd prefer Letterman coming back, or just let Neil Patrick Harris host.

9. Miley Cyrus. Why is she presenting an award? And what was with that dress? Is this the future of Hollywood? I sure hope not.

8. Anything Avatar. Glad this film wasn't the big winner of the night. It deserved the awards it won (with the exception of best cinematography), but no more, and thankfully the voting members agreed.

7. Ben Stiller. Not funny.

6. James Taylor. Why is Taylor covering a Beatles' song? Was John unavailable? Is this the Oscar's answer to the Super Bowl Halftime? Surely we can find some musicians besides JT and Hannah Montana.

5. That awful dance number. Minutes of my life I can't get back. Between that sequence and Avatar, I could have finished Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, or worse, re-read the original Pride and Prejudice. Either would have been less painful. (BTW - My wife made me pause this sequence while she left the room to run into the bedroom. I resumed the telecast, she looked at it, and began to Facebook. Meanwhile, I was stuck in dance montage purgatory.)

4. Actors gushing on other actors. I hate the lead-ins for the acting awards. There is nothing more sickening than hearing an actor bestow accolades on a peer. Show a clip (preferably one that hasn't had as much airtime as a FreeCreditreport.com commercial), and get the actor on stage.

3. Sean Penn. What the hell?

2. Orchestra cut offs. There is no excuse for not allowing a winner (or multiple winners for a category) the chance to speak. Especially when there is so much uninspired filler.

1. Show's length. It's simply too damn long. Some things are meant to be long. Summer vacation for teachers. A good sub sandwich. The garden hose connecting the outdoor faucet to a wet banana slide. Karrem Abdul-Jabbar's pants. Its embarrassing the Best Picture award was awarded as quickly as Nic Cage agrees to star in another lackluster blockbuster.

Oscar Highs:

10. Damn Helen Mirren.

9. Paranormal Activity spoof. This, and the above mentioned joke, where the only instances the hosts made me laugh.

8. Christoph Waltz. Amazing performance on screen. Heartfelt acceptance speech. A perfect Oscar moment.

7. Dug the Dog from Up. He stole the show, much like he stole the audience's heart in Up. If dogs, or animated characters could win an Oscar, he would have.

6. John Hughes montage. I don't think I realized what a genius he was. He was taken for granted, I'm afraid, but luckily we have the films he made that we can cherish forever.

5. Neil Patrick Harris. The opening musical number was reminiscent of a lavish opening from decades ago. There was just the right amount of humor. As I said before, he should have hosted.

4. Horror montage. I'm not sure why this was included, but I enjoyed it. I'm already looking forward to October and the family ritual of watching scary movies (too bad the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street opens next month. There should be a law prohibiting the release of any horror film prior to September.)

3. Jeff Bridges. I think this was really just payback for his portrayal of The Dude.

2. Everything The Hurt Locker. David beat Goliath, as he should. 'Nuff said.

1. Kathryn Bigelow. What was more satisfying: Oscar history being made (first female to win Best Director), or sticking it to your ex-husband? Both seemed so sweet last night.

PS - Where was Jack? Why did Farrah Fawcett get omitted from the remembrance montage?

Well, here are my thoughts. Care to weigh in?